 |
|||||||
 |
 |
|
|||||
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
||
|
|||||||
|
|
|
Saying Good-Bye: Dealing With Loss
One of the obvious but often overlooked facts about life is that,
at some point, we can likely expect to experience a significant
loss. These losses are many and varied. The death of a loved one,
end of a marriage or other love relationship, loss of a job -
all of these are major losses and stresses. The Holmes-Rahe Scale of stress rating lists the death of a
spouse at the top of the stress list with 100 points. Close behind
is divorce with a rating of 73 points. Further down the list,
being fired from work, and retirement, have ratings of 47 and
45 points respectively. Even those of us who have never experienced a major loss in
our lives have experienced some minor loss. Loss is the loneliness
you felt when you left the security of home for that first day
of school. And loss is the disappointment you feel when you reach
forty and realize that you're never going to attain the lofty
goals you set for yourself in your twenties. What is Grief? "Grief and mourning are a group of feelings associated with
loss," says Eva Sansom, EAP counsellor at WarrenShepell Consultants.
She points out that, ALThough people may use different words to
describe their feelings, the feelings are similar to everyone. "These three variables affect the depth of loss," says Sansom:
EAP counsellor Sue Lennox describes the grieving process as
being "similar to a roller coaster ride because it consists of
ups and downs. One day a person may feel a bit better, then, boom
they have a really bad day. It's important for people to realize
that this is normal." As a society, North Americans generally don't tolerate grief.
Although we expect bereaved people to get on with their lives,
Lennox points out that getting over a loss takes time. "The grieving
process shouldn't be rushed. It's necessary for bereaved persons
to feel sad, shed tears, attend religious and memorial services,
if they are so inclined," she says. In other words, bereaved people
must do things that enable them to mourn. The Phases of Grief The experts tell us that the mourning process is similar for
all losses. The difference falls in the degree of how much or
how little significance is the loss, and it's impact on our life.
The five phases of grief that most people experience when a loved
one dies are similar for the ending of a relationship or the loss
of a job. "The first phase is surprise and disbelief," says Sansom. "You
are in shock - it's like being hit over the head with a two-by-four."
In the second phase, you start to feel the pain and you may find
yourself saying things like, "What now?" or "Why me?" During the
next two phases you will usually experience feelings of guilt
and anger. Gradually, the fifth and final phase of grief comes
when you have accepted the loss, and then are able to face life
with hope. "Long after the loss has occurred, individuals may suddenly
react to the loss they felt they had accepted. For example, when
a former spouse becomes involved with another person, remarries
or has another child, they may find themselves experiencing any
or all of the feelings associated with loss all over again," says
Sansom. This can be very confusing and unsettling for the individual.
It's important to understand the far-reaching effects of a loss
to understand where these feelings come from. Although the phases of grief are predictable, the feelings may
not be in this exact sequence, and the duration of each can vary
from person to person. It's important to realize that everyone
in a family may not be experiencing the same feelings at the same
time. In other words, grief is an individual process. A couple
grieving the death of a child, for instance, may not be in the
best position to help and support each other if one is in a state
of disbelief, while the other is experiencing anger over the loss. All of the feelings we experience during the grieving process
have to do with accepting the reality of the loss and saying good-bye.
It is the denying of these feelings or not letting go that leads
to problems. How Can You Help Yourself to Deal With Loss? Here are some options from EAP counsellors, Eva Sansom and Sue
Lennox: Vent Your Feelings Make a contract with a good friend to get together once a week
for a month. Ask your friend if he or she will listen while you
talk about your loss. If you need to talk more than once a week,
make arrangements with two friends - perhaps, one for Monday and
the other for Thursday. Make sure that your friends realize that
you're not seeking advice. Tell them that by being there and just
listening is supporting you. Perhaps you will want to renew the
contract after a month. Join a Group People usually find it helpful to be with others who are going
through a similar loss. People who have lost a child might want
to join an organization for Bereaved Families. Those who have
lost a spouse will find a number of self-help groups available
for widows and widowers. Learn Something About Grief All of the different feelings that are experienced during a
loss can be frightening. Oftentimes, feelings are less frightening
when we realize that they are common and others also experience
similar feelings. It may be helpful to read some books on the
subject or discuss grief with a counsellor or your family doctor.
This will help you to recognize when your feelings are normal
or when you may need help to work through your feelings. Identify What Coping Strategies Have Worked Before If writing about your loss in a journal or talking about it
with friends helped when you lost your job, the same thing may
help when you are coping with the loss of a loved one. Think About Helping Others Sometimes getting involved with a specific cause that may work
towards the prevention of loss of someone else's life can help
us redefine our loss. Families having lost a loved one in a motor
vehicle accident involving a drunk driver have found comfort working
with groups that attempt to reduce the incidence of such accidents
for other families. When loss of a loved one is due to a particular
illness, people have found comfort in volunteering for foundations
such as the Heart or Cancer Society. Take Care of Your Physical Health Coping with our feelings is always a little easier when we are
in good physical health. Try to get adequate rest and eat a balanced
diet. How Can You Help a Friend or Relative Who Has Suffered a
Major Loss?
There's no question about it that loss is a necessary and painful
part of life. But perhaps what matters most is that there are
ways in which we can help ourselves and others say good-bye, and
deal with loss. Our EAP counsellors are trained to deal with this emotionally painful matter. They know how complex an issue it is, and that each individual situation will need its own approach. An approach that will hopefully bring some comfort to you and others involved. If you have any questions about this topic, or if you wish to discuss a personal situation you may be experiencing, we invite you to contact your Employee Assistance Program (EAP). All contact between you and your EAP is completely confidential. You may reach us at: English Service: 1.800.387.4765 Support services are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. HealthQuest is produced four times a year for employees
and their families.
|
 |
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
© 2005 WarrenShepell | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
